2024 Reflections

#tldr

Alhamdulillah, this year has been filled with countless blessings and moments of growth. I often ponder: is it my gratitude that attracts more good, or is it the good in my life that fuels my gratitude? There’s an ayah in the Quran that says, “And ʻrememberʼ when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.’” (Surah Ibrahim, 14:7). I hold onto this promise and am thankful to find myself in this positive cycle where gratitude and blessings always find each other.

While I feel deeply blessed, I want to acknowledge that life hasn’t been without its struggles. This year, three major challenges weighed on me. One was deeply personal, one related to work, and one was the passing of my beloved cat, Chempaka. These challenges tested me in ways I didn’t expect. They made me reflect on personal flaws I’ve worked hard to overcome, and taught me lessons I needed to learn.

I hope this serves as a reminder to myself and anyone reading that life is never perfect. Even when everything appears to be going smoothly, challenges are an inevitable part of the human experience. What truly matters is how we face and grow from them.

In a world where it’s so easy to compare our lives to others, I’ve learned to choose a kinder comparison. Instead of measuring myself against people who seem to live perfect, unattainable lives, I compare myself to who I was yesterday. This mindset is liberating, it’s less pressuring and far more empowering.

I’ve learned to appreciate every version of myself. Each stage of my life, with its unique challenges and opportunities, has brought lessons that shaped me. I honor who I was, even when she struggled, because those struggles paved the way for the person I am today.

One of the most fulfilling parts of this year has been the act of trying, constantly pushing myself to improve. Whether it’s writing better, incorporating exercise into my routine, eating healthier, improving my prayers, or being a better mother, wife, and communicator – trying itself brings joy. Trying makes life exciting. It gives me something to look forward to each day.

Of course, it’s not always easy. I’ve seen myself fail countless times, but each failure has been an opportunity to learn. The effort I put into trying feels like an act of self-love. It’s a way of honoring my potential and enjoying the journey of growth.

Material-wise, I feel content. I feel like I already have everything I need (based on my lifestyle and priorities), which is why I’m planning a “no-buy” year in 2025. I remember starting my career and praying for the means to afford certain things. Those dreams felt so distant back then, but today, I’m living them.

This may sound vain, but this year, I’ve embraced myself physically, the good and the bad. For years, I struggled to see my own beauty. Even when others told me I was pretty, I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. Ironically, it wasn’t until later in life, as I aged and gained weight, that I began to see myself differently.

I know I’m not as slim as I was in my 20s, and I’ve lost my sharp features, but I’m still grateful each time someone says they’re shocked to learn my age, which will be 37 in 2025, by the way.

What’s even more important is that I have perfect limbs, the ability to perform daily tasks and ibadah. I take pride in caring for my body through self-care; eating healthy, exercising regularly, following a skincare routine, and ensuring I nurture my brain with quality sleep.

This journey to self-acceptance is a blessing I never take for granted. It serves as a reminder that everything in life can be taken away, but in this moment, I am profoundly thankful for all that I have and all that I am.

My relationships have flourished this year. Having a transporter (for my kids) and a maid has freed up time to focus on what truly matters: spending quality time with my loved ones. My husband and I have grown closer, enjoying more meaningful conversations and spending more date nights together. I’ve also found myself fighting less and engaging in more lighthearted and playful banter with him. He always laughs at my jokes hysterically, and sometimes I wonder if I’m actually a funny person or if he’s just trying to keep me happy.

My children, whom I raise with freedom and, honestly, very little discipline, have started taking ownership of their academics. They’re not at the top of their class, but I’m proud to see their confidence and independence grow. I’ve also started to see their personalities and interests blossom, and it’s fascinating to watch how much they are their own people. My daughter, for instance, has developed a growing interest in writing, and I’m excited to see how this passion evolves in the future.

I’ve also made it a priority to visit my big family more regularly than last year. I’ve accepted that I may never be a great cook for my family, especially since cooking for such a large group would require so much effort. I don’t even cook at home because I have a maid. Therefore, every time I visit, I make it a commitment to order food catering instead. It has made our visits so much better, nobody has to cook, and we can all focus on enjoying each other’s company and talking without the usual kitchen stress.

Work has been deeply fulfilling. Despite the constant busyness at the office, my fun and supportive colleagues make everything so much easier to handle. I genuinely appreciate them, they feel like my extended family, practically my blood sisters and brothers. Of course, there’s the occasional drama, but I believe that’s what brings us closer and strengthens our bond.

I’ll admit, I’ve indulged in gossip more than I’d like this year. It’s not something I’m proud of, so I’m setting a resolution (azam) to gossip less and focus on spreading more positivity. I would love to be more mindful of my words and actions, ensuring they uplift others rather than bring them down, even when the person isn’t directly present to hear them. I want my words and actions, even behind someone’s back, to reflect kindness and integrity.

Also, this year’s travel opportunities have been especially memorable, with about half of my work trips being solo, including a flight from Kuala Lumpur to Saudi Arabia around my birthday. Most of my other trips have been domestic, averaging about one trip per month, allowing me to work on projects I love, such as writing, filming, building exhibition/gallery and conducting interviews. I’ve come to enjoy business trips, they make me feel that my work is meaningful and important. Though I’ve developed mild anxiety about taking flights, I still look forward to these trips. Being away from the office gives me the reset time I need, both personally and professionally. Every time I return from a work trip, I feel refreshed, renewed, and enriched by the experience.

I’ll never forget the days when I felt lost in a career I didn’t truly enjoy. Now, I’m living the dream I once prayed for, a vocation filled with purpose and artistry.

This year, my personal growth journey unfolded in three distinct phases, or “eras”: spiritual growth through Quranic studies, a commitment to daily exercise, and a renewed love for reading fiction. Each phase brought its own intensity, but even as the initial fervor faded, the habits endured, perhaps less frequent, but still meaningful. For instance, during my exercise phase, I worked out daily, but now I maintain a routine of 2-3 sessions per week. Similarly, during my spiritual growth phase, I would read pages of the Quran, learn five Quranic words daily, and listen to 30-minute tazkirah sessions every day. While the intensity has tapered, I continue reading the Quran daily and learning 1-2 times a week. Now, I’m in the midst of a reading obsession, spending most of my free time immersed in fiction.

I’ve learned not to push myself to maintain the same level of intensity every time I transition from one phase to another. I understand that my time at home after work is limited, and adopting this flexible mindset has been key. It allows me to experiment freely with different things I want to do/try, be bored or fail quickly, move on, and explore different interests/things without regret.

If I were to list every blessing I’ve experienced this year, it would take forever. But the overarching theme is clear: gratitude. I’m grateful for the good, for the challenges that made me stronger, and for the opportunity to keep growing. As 2024 draws to a close, I carry this gratitude into 2025, ready to embrace whatever comes next. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s beautiful in its imperfections, and for that, I am deeply thankful.

Here’s to another year of growth, grace, and gratitude.