The Verge of Gratitude

Some days are not straight forward

I wasn’t sure if yesterday was a good day, or was it a bad one. Now that I’ve woken up the next day and feel better, I guess let me remember it as just.. fine. It was great, actually. But I wasn’t feeling well. (I still am, and on my medical leave while writing this) My colleague, Sarah gave me paracetamol tablets in the afternoon after she verified my skin was warmer.

Dramatic me

It was actually one of my favorite thing to do during my college years. I loved to ask my friends to check if I was sick, so I could skip classes, maybe. Most of the time, I actually wasn’t. Syarifah being one I spent the most time with, understood that very well.

“She gets into fever every day,” telling the others while putting one hand on my forehead – halfly making fun of me.

I was more dramatic then, than how I am today.

H’s pre-birthday

But yesterday, I was really really sick, and not just dramatically wanted to be. I was more sicker just before H’s birthday’s eve celebration. We still had dinner and cake at Secret Recipe at Wangsa Walk Mall after we got ourselves a balloon each. I bought a pink birthday hat for H in the hope she would feel extra special. They were in their dirty after-school clothing, H with her yellow hijab and A wearing soiled white school shoes.

Little things that matter

The kids had a good time. Everyone was happy. I remember how excited H was, unwrapping the gift I pick for her from Toy R Us.

“Oh my dod menann aaah annah tute wat es dis,” almost uncontrollably.

(Oh my God mainan* aaah Hannah suka* what is this?)

..while A trying to help her as he couldn’t be patient enough to see what’s inside for his sister. We had their father on the screen for a while just to witness her blowing the candle

Love, a beautiful chaos

It wasn’t perfect but I did have few minutes of bliss before the highlight of the event ended, the kids started running around the restaurant, I was worried if we were disturbing other people but I didn’t have the energy to control them. A voice in my mind was rehearsing how to respond if someone reacted to their behavior. Nobody said anything though. In fact, the manager of the restaurant wished H, “Happy Birthday!” and tried to make conversation with her. I somehow felt relieved and tried to let go of my motherly anxiety.

At least, the kids were happy. All of us were happy, I tried to chant that mantra in my head to calm myself. Deep down, I was just tired and ready to burst.

She asked me to snap this picture

Gratitude is the drug

I know that generally we can never expect life to go perfectly as planned, but somewhere in our minds, there are always some unrealistic assumptions or expectations. We’re often disappointed and sad whenever the outcomes do not meet the images. To be able to lower our expectations and to embrace the reality are actually not an overnight skill.

In times like this, I found that being grateful is very important. Gratitude is the drug, it keeps us want to be more grateful for the happiness it results to. It’s the same point I’ve written earlier about active gratitude in my previous post, positive affirmations bring more positive things into our life.

I am not perfect, I can never be. My health (is currently) not. The kids are not perfect – they are tornadoes good kids. Their daddy is (of course) not perfect hahah. The birthday dinner was not. This blog post is not. Again and again, nothing is perfect. But every moment in our life is beautiful and worthwhile for us to appreciate.

Sometimes we will be placed on the verge of gratitude and get stressed out to fall into discontentment. It’s OK, we are just human, we get weak and sick sometimes.

Get back up, have faith, and continue to live the most beautiful life.

*mainan = toys, suka = likes

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