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I need hopes

It hurts that whenever I want to talk about my struggles, some people think that I have no rights as I might be one of the privileged ones. Alhamdulillah, I still have my job, and working from the comfort of my own home around the people I love, I am grateful. Alhamdulillah. I don’t (or haven’t) lose close family members and friends to the COVID-19 deaths.

Sincerely, my prayers for the souls who have passed away in fighting this battle. My condolences to those who have lost their loved ones. I can’t imagine being in your shoes.

Nobody is trained to go through this kind of trauma. We are at war.

My prayers for all of us…

I want you to know that I know and understand that many people are having it worse than me, and I am truly grateful for my situation, but that doesn’t mean that my traumas and downtimes throughout these 1.5 years are invalid.

So I am coping.

With the news. Spare me the energy to talk about my government.

With staying home.

With my ‘homeschooling’ kids.

With being away from my parents for too long and thinking about their safety all the time. Not to mention worrying about their resistance to the vaccines. I am angry with whoever forwarding the anti-vaccines’ ‘research’ results to my parents. I am grateful that they are still alive, and I appreciate every moment that I got to see them via video calls; it could be the last time. Not the right spirit to be at, but that’s the reality of how bad we are traumatised by the virus.

Oh with my work. Seriously, I don’t want to complain because from what I understand now, the current situation only allows us to be 1) jobless, stuck and suicidal 2) exhausted frontliners, everyone knows how bad the situations at the hospitals are, or 3) burnout, referring to people like me who are expected to be agile in the ever-demanding work.

If there are people who are having it easy, everyone wish they don’t tell their stories. It’s only the time to be rough and strong.

Yes, I am coping.

Yes, I may sound deft, but I do, too…

need hopes.

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