Divorce is undoubtedly one of the hardest challenges I’ve ever faced. The emotional toll was overwhelming; there were days when it felt as though my world had crumbled around me. The weight of shame, guilt, anger, and sadness was almost unbearable. I often found myself crying, feeling as though I had lost everything that mattered. These emotions were suffocating, and they kept me isolated. The thought of facing others felt impossible; I couldn’t see anyone, and I didn’t want to see anyone.
I won’t delve into the reasons behind the divorce here. This isn’t the place to discuss the details, especially since my children might read this someday. I don’t want to hurt their feelings by airing the painful specifics. What I can say, however, is that I take responsibility for my part in the breakdown of my marriage. Acknowledging my faults is my way of taking charge of my life moving forward.
The Burden of Early Marriage
Getting married early in life seemed like the right decision at the time, but in times, I questioned whether it was a mistake. I feel like I’ve failed, not just myself but also those who believed in me. My parents’ hearts must be broken, and the thought of that only deepens my sense of failure. I think about my children and what this divorce will mean for them. I worry about how they will cope with the reality of a broken home.
The First Six Months
The first six months after the divorce were the hardest, especially emotionally, financially, and logistically. My family took me in because they didn’t want me to be alone during this difficult time. My parents welcomed me into their home in Negeri Sembilan, and I began commuting to the office in Kuala Lumpur from Seremban. The daily journey was exhausting, requiring an hour-long bus ride filled with tears. When I reached home, all I wanted to do was sleep, but I knew I had to spend time with my kids. Thankfully, there were many people at my mum’s place, so my kids always had someone to entertain them. But even with that support, I would continue crying at home.
At that time, I was still working as a geophysicist, but my focus and job satisfaction were not at their best. Nothing felt right, but I was fortunate to still perform my job and earn money for my children and me. Looking back, I am incredibly grateful for my family. Without them, I don’t know what would have happened to me.
Seeking Help
During this period, I began experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, sometimes even at the office. The pain was so intense that it felt like it would never end, and I knew I had to do something. The turning point came when I went to a clinic after thinking I had a heart attack at work. It turned out to be a panic attack, triggered by intense palpitations and the inability to breathe. The doctor, a kind, motherly figure, asked me what I was going through. I didn’t share much, only that I had recently gone through a divorce. She advised me to forget about the man and focus on myself. She encouraged me to go back and pray a lot, gently implying that if I didn’t, she might have to prescribe something for my mental health.
The thought of having to rely on antidepressants frightened me. I went home with determination. I wanted to get better. I followed her advice—I prayed more and started going to my halaqah again. I started reconnecting with people, even though I found it difficult to share the details of my struggle. The simple act of being around others, especially those who were spiritually strong and deeply rooted in their belief in qada and qadar, provided a profound sense of comfort and guidance. Their faith helped me to gradually shift my focus away from relying on a partner/husband or the institution of marriage, and instead, to place my trust and reliance on the Almighty.
I also began searching online for ways to overcome depression. I tried everything Google suggested: exercising, trying new hobbies, journaling (which I was already doing at the time), and practising gratitude. I even sought therapy, one provided by my company and another through online sessions via BetterHelp. Talking to a therapist, even a stranger, was a lifeline when I couldn’t bring myself to talk to family and friends due to the shame.
That Divorce is Death
Slowly, things began to improve. I learned to let go of the expectations I had placed on myself and truly started over with my life. I questioned everything about my life and began to live authentically. I feel like I became a new person. The divorce was my rock bottom—it was my “death,” but through it, I was reborn.
I am grateful that I healed, and it didn’t take long, although it was far from easy. When I reflect on this chapter of my life, it almost feels like it happened to someone else. The pain was so intense that I don’t think I could go through it again.
Starting Over
Starting over was incredibly hard, especially when I believed that I had already built a stable and fulfilling life. But through the pain, I found a new path—one that required me to redefine who I was and what I wanted from life. It was not just about surviving the aftermath of divorce but about thriving in a way I never imagined possible.
I had to let go of the life I had envisioned and embrace the unknown. It was terrifying, but it was also liberating. I began to see that my future was not defined by my past mistakes but by the choices I made in the present. Slowly, I started to rebuild my life, piece by piece. I learned to trust myself again, to believe that I could create a new life that was even better than the one I had lost.
It wasn’t just about finding happiness again; it was about discovering a deeper sense of peace and purpose. I realised that my journey wasn’t just for me—it was for my children, for those who looked up to me, and for anyone who might be going through a similar struggle. If I could rise from the ashes of my past, so could they. The path was difficult, but every step I took brought me closer to the person I was meant to be.
It is now almost nine years after my divorce, and as I reflect on this journey, I am filled with happiness and gratitude. I am proud of how far I’ve risen from the ashes of my past. The person I am today is stronger, wiser, and more resilient than I ever thought possible. I’ve discovered a depth of character that only life’s toughest challenges can reveal. The pain and hardship were real, but so too was my determination to rebuild my life, to create something beautiful out of the chaos.
I’ve learned that it’s possible to find light even in the darkest of times, and that happiness and contentment are within reach if we’re willing to fight for them.
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