I married a single father with a son. Coming from similar backgrounds, we found mutual understanding essential in a blended family like ours. I am grateful that this understanding extends to all parents involved, creating a supportive atmosphere for our children.
Initially, I was somewhat hesitant to share my co-parenting journey because I didn’t want to give the impression that it is easy. The truth is, I have been fortunate to have a relatively smooth experience, with our children benefiting from responsible and loving parents despite the complexities of our past.
My two kids and my step son stay in the home of loving parents no matter where they are.
I have seen divorced couples where one parent is denied the right to see their children, another parent abandons their responsibilities entirely, and fathers who fail to provide financial support or take any active role in their children’s lives. Such situations are heart-wrenching, and I will make sure that our children will never have to endure such neglect or absence from any of the parents—biological father, biological mother, stepfather, or stepmother.
Shared Responsibilities
One aspect I am particularly grateful for is the roles each parent plays.
My ex provides a fixed amount of monthly financial support (nafkah), which I mainly use to cover their school transportation and extra tuition fees. He also takes care of their annual expenses, such as school uniforms, shoes, and books.
Additionally, having my own income allows me to contribute my share without relying entirely on him. I cover expenses like Quran classes, medical insurance, their monthly telco postpaid bills (so I can contact them when they are not with me), monthly game money (like Robux and V-Bucks), clothes, as well as stationery and art supplies.
My husband pays rent, buys groceries, and spoils our kids by being their IT guy, providing them with handphones, personal computers, video games, the PlayStation, and the VR player. He also hired a stay-in maid who cooks, does the laundry, and cleans.
My husband’s ex is also very involved, taking care of her child (my stepson) together with us. She respects our family dynamics and plays an equal role in supporting us in various ways.
Two-Week Rotation
We have established a two-week rotation system for our children. They spend two weeks at one parent’s house and then two weeks at the other parent’s. This arrangement works well because all parents live nearby, ensuring that the children can attend the same school regardless of where they are staying. We have also hired a transportation service that accommodates the rotation, providing seamless transitions between homes.
When it’s time to switch, we only send the children and their school stuff like books, bags, and uniforms. Each house has its own set of home clothes for the children, minimising the hassle of moving too many items back and forth.
Child-Free Weeks
The two-week rotation can be challenging as we miss our kids, but my husband and I leverage this time to nurture our relationship and ourselves. Both introverts, we relish our alone time, finding joy in the quiet moments. I’ve discovered a surge in productivity during these child-free weeks.
After work, I delve into learning new things, engage in more hours of exercise, binge-watch movies or drama series, and indulge in extra sleep. This unique arrangement has given me a taste of both worlds: the bustling life of being married with kids and the serene experience of solitude.
Challenges of Co-Parenting
We didn’t get to where we are easily; it’s been a journey of trial and error. A few changes have taken place, and the rotation is not always as planned. Sometimes a parent has to go out of town, and we have to adjust our calendar. The parenting style of each house is different, and I have to let go of certain expectations to respect the other parents.
This arrangement is even more challenging for my kids. Despite being spoiled by having two sets of parents, they have to adjust to moving every two weeks. This constant shifting is something most of us did not have to experience during our childhood.
We have considered allowing the children to choose where they want to stay when they are older. However, my eldest son once expressed a desire to continue the rotation as long as possible because he wants to be with both parents equally. This unselfishness touched me deeply.
Keeping a Positive Environment
I take it seriously and ensure I never speak ill of my kids’ father in front of them or in public. During the first year after the divorce, I only confided in my closest friends and therapist about what had happened. Over time, I have moved on, and I am glad I refrained from badmouthing their father and hurting their feelings. My daughter had no idea why we got divorced until six to seven years later, which must have been confusing for her.
Despite our best efforts with co-parenting, I know the kids will carry the effects of our divorce throughout their lives and will need time to come to terms with it. They have matured beyond their years.
It makes me sad to think that with selflessness and innocence, they continue to love us unconditionally.
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